


With Bated Breath and Pain You See (We're Nothing More Than Memories)

by LostandLonelyBirds (RUNNFROMTHEAK)



Category: Batman - All Media Types, DCU (Comics), Nightwing (Comics)
Genre: AT LEAST LET HIM BE COMFORTED, Alcoholism, BAMF Jason Todd, Bad coping mechanisms, Catalina Flores can choke, Depression, Dialogue from Nightwing 93, Dick Grayson Needs a Hug, Dick Grayson deserves better dc, Dissociation, F/M, First chap has the warnings, Hurt Dick Grayson, Implied/Referenced Rape/Non-con, M/M, Protective Jason Todd, Tarantula is going to get what she deserves, fine i'll do it myself, give him BETTER, messed up, mild PTSD, not very graphic but very heavily implied, whether Dick likes it or not, who knows where this will go, you know which one
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-07-27
Updated: 2019-07-27
Packaged: 2020-07-23 09:04:32
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Major Character Death, Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 1
Words: 999
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20005768
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/RUNNFROMTHEAK/pseuds/LostandLonelyBirds
Summary: He tries not to think of Blüdhaven, not after it was destroyed, years of his pain and pride poured into a smoking crater in the ground. But when he does think of Blüdhaven, he thinks of everything nobody knows, of his dark, hidden secrets that were destroyed along with the city after the chemical rain lit Blüdhaven on fire...(Not her hands, untamed, nor his pleas, unanswered)





	With Bated Breath and Pain You See (We're Nothing More Than Memories)

**Author's Note:**

> Very heavily inspired by the absolute trash Devin Grayson put everyone through, and the people online claiming that non-consensual sex isn't rape (and also the people claiming tarantula helped Nightwing move past the trauma by raping him).  
> Obviously this is a very sensitive topic and it isn't for everyone.  
> The rape itself takes place in this chapter, and everything beyond this will only have flashbacks, references, or snippets to or of this scene.
> 
> So, trigger warning for non-con elements.  
> Also also, my tumblr is lostandlonelybirds and any requests for Jaydick or Batfam you want to send I'd be happy to do!
> 
> Hope I did this scene justice!

When he thinks of Blüdhaven, he thinks of rain - Cold, slick, _numbing_.

The feel of it in his hair, on his skin, dripping beneath the thin layer of Kevlar weaved into his skintight costume…

_He almost runs from where Desmond falls, racing to the rooftop to embrace the cold clarity that came with heights. He stops at the edge, curling into himself as he hears Catalina approach with an outstretched hand. He wants to apologize- to her, to **Bruce** \- and he tries to, but Catalina pushes him onto his back, something dangerous in her stride, and his thoughts crumble into mad ramblings._

_“Don’t… touch me…I’m”_

_It comes out weaker than he intended, voicing curling in his throat, and he can’t think, can’t breathe._

_Cat looks at him with a small grin, lips curling to the left in a way that made his heart **ache** for Babs._

_She pushes his arms apart, voice adapting a sickeningly sweet croon, her two strong legs straddling his waist…_

_“Every thing’s all right baby, it’s all okay.”_

_But it’s **not** okay, HE just killed a man, SHE just killed a man, THEY just killed a man…_

He thinks of empty rooftops, high above the city – empty, silent, _deafening_.

The feel of the night wind, rushing past his face, kissing his skin with bated breath ( _through his all too thin armor_ ) …

_There’s a panic, thoughts and breathing spiraling out of control. He pushes against her weakly, trying not to look at the corpse not even five feet to his right. He feels trapped, caged, heart palpitating painfully in his chest. All he sees in the cold white lenses of her masks is Bruce’s disappointment, his failure, what he just let happen._

_“…Poisonous, numb, I…”_

_He can’t form a coherent thought, her fingers trailing the security on his suit carefully, teasingly._

_Dick knows what she wants- despite the corpse in the staircase, despite his hands still painted red with blood, despite the discarded gun, still smoking, holstered around her waist- and he wants to move. His protests come out weak, like his body ( ~~like his will~~ ), and he wants to curl back into a ball and cry for forgiveness (from her, from Babs, from Bruce)._

_He wants her to leave him, before he hurts her, he doesn’t want this. He poisons everything he touches, **everyone** he touches…_

He thinks of dark and dank alleyways, beneath the rooftops he frequented – grimy, smelly, _filthy_.

_Her legs tighten around him, indulgent smile crossing her face as she frees her hair from its binds._

_“I… killed him… **We** killed...”_

_But there’s a hunger on her face, a lust, and all Dick wants to do is shove her off._

_He failed her,_

_He failed Batman,_

_He failed himself._

_He struggles, meekly, legs kicking out with all the strength he can muster, wanting to shimmy out from under her the way he’s done hundreds of times when sparring with the others…_

_( ~~oh god what would Donna think? What would Wally think?~~ )_

He thinks of pressure, feels a weight on his chest he can’t push off- heavy, sweaty, _painful_.

_She shushes him with a finger, leaning close enough for him to **feel** her words, the hot air escaping her mouth suffocating his own._

_~~He can’t breathe~~ _

_“Tsk, tsk, tsk, tsk… **I** killed him… Now **hush**.”_

_“No,” he protests, pushing himself up._

_“You’re my responsibility, it’s all my fault…”_

_And the overwhelming sickness, the **wrongness** of what he’s done ( ~~what Catalina has done~~ ) hits him again._

_He can taste bile in his throat, tinged by the blood pooled in his mouth from Blockbuster’s hits and his split lip._

_He wants to throw up, to get her to stop touching him before she gets hurt too…_

_But she shoves him back down, unzipping his lower region, already hard,_

_And all he can feel is disgust…_

_~~How could he possibly be enjoying this enough to get hard?~~ _

_“Quiet, mi amor… **Callado** …”_

_He doesn’t know what’s happening, doesn’t understand it._

_He feels the rocking of her hips, her moans of pleasure as she bares her throat to the storming sky._

_“That’s good… that’s right…”_

_He’s frozen as she pleasures herself on his responsive member._

_“We’re free now…”_

_Dick stops thinking, stops breathing, tears leaking down his face in shame, in disgust._

_Her voice is like a whisper, in his mind, far from where he is, far from where Roland is laying ( ~~dead~~ )._

_“Alive, Querido… Yes… You and me…”_

_He tries to get up once again, but her arms pin him, caging him in._

_She presses a kiss to his lips, waxing about love and freedom,_

_All Dick can taste is ashes and blood._

He thinks of everything nobody knows, of his dark, hidden secrets that were destroyed along with the city after the chemical rain lit Blüdhaven on fire.

When Dick thinks of Blüdhaven, he thinks of failure and shortcomings and pain, lessons Gotham had ingrained in him, scars embedded within his skin and his mind.

If Gotham scarred him ( _with death and pain and bruises and blood_ ), Blüdhaven cut the scars open and let the world watch them _bleed_.

_“That’s the secret, the essential truth of your nature. You could take every beating I dish out. You might even enjoy them. You have absolutely no regard for your personal safety. But the people around you-well, that’s a different matter. Isn’t it? I’ll take out the people you care about – hell, even strangers you stand next to on the street – you won’t be able to shake someone’s hand without marking them for death. Do you like being alone, Dick? I’ll make sure you can’t save any of them. Loved one by loved one, innocent by innocent… it’ll never stop. I’m never going to stop. I can keep this up forever.”_

When he doesn’t dream of falling or crowbars or acid rain or laughing clowns or the sound of gunfire,

He dreams of a soft affectionate “ _Querido_ ”, wandering hands pinning him down as everyone around him dies.


End file.
